I'll just be in my room

this is not one of those “I missed my old self” kinda posts

This is a “I genuinely can’t stand people anymore” because I can’t. At first, I thought it was because I’d become a deep kind of introvert, or because I had stayed indoors too long, over the years, and lost the ability to make friends, which has always been my forte. But then, as at late last year, I started letting people in again. I started making friends, accepting new people into my life like it was a job application. Two outings later, and all I wanted to do was crawl back into my den of room. It wasn't because they weren’t fun to hang out with, but I had just grown tired of humans as a species. These days, I’d rather sit on my bed with my plushie and have a full-blown conversation than try to relate to someone I just met on the street.

This might be a result of my frontal lobe fully developing over the years (I genuinely don’t know what that means, I’m just trying to sound cool), but I honestly don’t know how to connect with people who don’t align with me on basic societal issues.

And as a Nigerian, you get to meet plenty of people who don’t.
- People who think being religious is a personality trait, like that’s enough to make them good people.
- People who support a government that’s actively tormenting its own citizens.
- People who’d rather set a gay person on fire than question a pedophile roaming free, because somehow, in their minds, being gay is worse than anything.
- People who still believe women belong in kitchens, while men sit like starved kings waiting for their food.
- People who sexualize every moving object in a skirt and don’t care if you find it offensive.

The younger me did tolerate all this because I didn’t know better. I hadn’t read better. I made friends with people who would probably burn at the edge of hell if Jesus were to come today, and laughed it off because I thought that’s just who they are. But the older me can’t sit through a two-hour conversation with someone who goes against everything I stand for. These days, I don’t even bother to argue back or try to make them see reasons; I just quietly sip my bottle of water, stare into their eyes while they rant nonsense, and quietly decide: This is the last time I’ll ever see you.

I understand that everyone is different, and we can't all see things the same way, but kindness has always been a prerequisite for me in life. It’s literally the bare minimum. You don’t have to support things that go against your moral grounds, but the least you can do is be kind. It’s the first thing I look for in a person. And the sad part is, over the past 5 or 6 years, it feels like the world’s just gotten meaner. Like, there has been a wave of meaness going around the world. You can basically see kindness leaking out of people, drop by drop. Everyone’s just out here not giving a damn, as long as the issue doesn’t affect them directly.

And I’m sorry, I can’t be friends with or even function around a generation that thinks like that. I can’t stand people anymore. Not because I’ve suddenly become cold or bitter. But because the world has become so unkind, and I don’t know how to exist or function in a world like that without constantly shielding myself.

This also bleeds into my relationship with men.

I recently almost fell in love with someone who told me he’s not a big fan of feminism, and wouldn’t want any of that in his relationship if we ever dated (which was very audacious btw). Every time we’d talk, I’d watch him defend men who did awful things. Watch him express admiration for a man who’s both racist and a known sexual offender, just because he’s “the leader of the free world,” and he hates gay people.

Every time I listened to him speak, it felt like I was betraying a piece of myself.
Had to pause and ask myself: What does it say about me if I ever end up dating someone like this? Because the truth is, he stood for everything I’m against. Worse than that, he supported men who embody the very things I fight against. And the scary part? He didn’t see it as a problem. It’s not even about being perfect or politically correct. It’s about basic values. It’s about being kind. He was comfortable with a lot of things I wasn’t. Like harm, injustice, and looking away from things that didn’t affect him. And honestly, it scared me. It also made it easy for me to walk away because by the time I was done tolerating and arguing with him, all I felt was irritation. The likeness had turned into something dirty. I felt dirty. For sitting with him and tolerating the nonsense he spews out of his mouth.

So yeah, I’m just done with people who don’t see the world the way I do.
I’m done making space for opinions that don’t respect basic human decency. If you can’t practice something as simple as kindness, then I’m sorry, we’re clearly not on the same team.
And that’s okay.

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Hi there,

It’s been a long time since I sat down to write something I totally enjoyed because I’ve been in and out of touch with reality for a while now. It has been raining a lot in Abuja, with winds that feel like it’s going to transport my house from here to Lagos, or Canada… scary shit.

As at the time I wrote this, I hadn’t gotten up from bed, brushed, or washed my face. First thing I did was pick up my Mac to start writing like a (un)serious student rushing through her assignment at the last hour. I was scared that if I waited another hour, I’d not write again like I’ve been doing all week.

Going through a deep state of “locking out,” instead of “locking in” and flopping in every area of my life, but I’m about to have the best tea and bread, so life is worth living👍🏽

I’m assuming everyone is good; if you aren’t, deal with it. Life is peppering everybody😒

Also, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee go watch Weak Hero Class 1 & 2 on Netflix. It’s the best drama ever!

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ICYMI-