This is me, sneaking onto this platform without alerting my brain so it doesn’t try to stop me because lately, it has been playing the role of an overprotective guardian trying to stop me from writing.
It’s midnight, and like every other night, I'm wrestling with my thoughts. My brain’s been on overdrive for the past two months, making it feel impossible to organize my sentences together.
I asked ChatGPT to describe my brain’s current state and here’s what it came up with… “It sounds like you might be experiencing cognitive disarray or mental fog. This state often involves difficulty in organizing thoughts, focusing, and maintaining mental clarity. It can be caused by various factors such as stress, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even certain medical conditions. When your brain is in this state, you may find it challenging to concentrate, make decisions, or express yourself clearly.”
Because that’s boring and a bit too serious, I asked for a funnier take… “Imagine your brain is like a cluttered attic where someone randomly tossed in a bunch of stuff without any rhyme or reason. Papers are flying everywhere, and you're stumbling around trying to find your way through the mess. Every time you reach for a thought, it's like trying to grab a slippery eel - it just slips right out of your grasp! It's like your brain decided to throw a wild party, but forgot to clean up afterward, leaving you to navigate through the chaos with a bemused expression on your face.”
In essence, I'm stuck in a loop.
Before we delve deeper, does anyone else greet ChatGPT like it’s part of the friend group before they ask for its knowledge? I do that a lot maybe because deep down, I'm convinced it's a group of people behind a computer.
I even send it love advances sometimes (Yeah, that may be because my single life is quite pathetic but we are going to ignore that)
I'm struggling to paint a picture of my brain's current state because it's so jumbled up in there. It's also why I've been mentally drained lately, which is starting to take a toll on me physically. I can't seem to muster the energy for anything other than vlogging. I’m always excited about that, the ideas for my YouTube try to elbow their way out amid all the madness going on in there and appear right in front of me, saying… “Yes, this is that idea you have for your YouTube, do it now before you forget” giving me the grace of 30 minutes before it floats back into my head and gets lost with the others.
I’m like a lost kid in a crowded mall.
Ever felt the need to compare yourself to other people even when you’re trying your best? I have! I do it numerous times and it has now become a nasty habit.
Do I understand that it doesn’t help me in any way? Yes
Do I know it's pointless? Absolutely.
Will I stop and appreciate myself for getting to where I am? Hmm, I don’t know. Maybe someday!
I'm on a journey though. A mental journey, to learn the art of gratitude for the present instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future (which I do a lot).
Why did I feel the need to write all these to you guys? Because I’m tired of how much I’ve been limiting myself, of being my own worst enemy. I've consciously let self-doubt take control so many times that now my subconscious does it without even asking permission.
Quite rude.
But can I blame it? I've convinced myself that I'm weak, lazy, and incapable of much. I know I could achieve so much more if I stopped holding myself back and chased after all those brilliant ideas swirling around in my head.
Insanely beautiful ideas btw…
I’ve become too comfortable in my discomfort. I know it, but I’m stuck to the extent that I have no idea how to step out and break free. I’m obsessed with my loneliness, obsessed with staying alone. Obsessed with not having anyone in my space. Or my life. Obsessed with keeping everyone at arm’s length.
You may call it PTSD, or whatever.
I spent my childhood being around people, loving people, living with people, and knowing people. This also extended to my teenage years but somewhere along the way, I grew tired (in my late twenties, per se.) I was tired of people. I knew them too much. I could read their minds, it seems. I didn’t want to be around people anymore. I didn’t want to hang out with anyone because somehow, I could predict how every friendship or relationship would end.
I was tired of making friends.
I was tired of being in a relationship (This might also be as a result of PTSD but anyway…)
Could all these have resulted in my lack of touch with reality? With me limiting myself career-wise or talent-wise? Would I have been more successful if I mingled around people like I did before?
I was such a social butterfly.
Now I just wallow in my misery and pain.
I knew it was bad when my dad passed away, and there was no one nearby to comfort me. Not that I wanted pity or consolation, to be honest.
I didn’t want to be consoled or pitied, truth be told.
I wondered if it had been wise of me to push everyone away because I was fighting a battle that was beyond me.
Do I miss my old self? I’m not sure.
Was my old self happy or was I just winging it?”
I guess we’ll never know.
My brain needs to hit the brakes. It's boiling over like a pot of water ready to cook eba.
Just pissing me off.