Indulge 4 (On Bolt Drivers)

I look small, why does this Bolt driver think I'm ripe for marriage?

Over the week, I sat down and watched as this tiny snail kept trying to crawl into my living room. I watched it for minutes and kept wondering when it would get inside. Then I stopped looking for a while and focused on replying to the messages on my phone, by the time I turned back to look at it, it was already far in. How and when? I was just watching you like 10minutes ago. They’re indeed fast. Nevertheless, I stood up and threw it out of my living room because I did not sweep and mop just for it to come and gallantly stain my tiles. Anyways, while watching the snail, I had few questions. 

1. Why were they created that way? So slow and squeezed up.

2. Did their King or Queen maybe annoy their creator and he decided to make them the slowest animals on earth?

3. Why create them slow when they are also fast?

4. Why do they taste so delicious in my peppered sauce? 

On Bolt Drivers

It is no news that Bolt and Uber are now a thing in our cities, especially here in the nation's capital. And I’ve ridden quite a lot of them, mostly Ubers at first but now I ride with Bolt, and my friend, there’s a splitting difference taking a ride in these two cars. For Uber getting my peace and quiet was essential to them, the drivers were nice and smelled nice too. They knew their job was to drive you to your location while leaving you to your thoughts. 

Riding with Bolt on the other hand is a different feeling entirely. I’ve had different experiences with them, some I find hilarious. With bolt, I don’t get to be in my own world, I don’t get to think, I don’t get to chat or do anything that doesn’t involve talking or listening to them. 

I remember the first Bolt ride I had, the driver was so focused on me listening to his playlist than me wanting my own space. He kept changing the songs because he felt I was not enjoying them. How do you know I’m not enjoying it oga? Can you read my thoughts? Wow! Just keep the playlist or better still put it off, I need my peace right now. 

The 2nd I met had no plans to put on the AC for me (which I didn’t mind since the windows were down) while devouring the roasted corn in his mouth. He forgot he had a passenger because of the way he was deliciously eating that corn and for a moment, I asked myself if this is how I look when eating corn… God, please. When he was done eating, he felt this was the time to give me driving lessons, and for the next 40minutes till I got home, my ears were bleeding with lectures on cars. I also got to know all of his family history and how his uncle never taught him how to drive and how he learned just by looking at people driving. Great!

The 3rd driver drove like he had a beef with every driver on the road (this is not Lagos boss) I was scared for my life. When he was done speeding and insulting every other driver that didn’t let him overtake, he looked at me and said “Well seated ma” Excuse me? Well seated? Guy, you’re speeding on a highway, I am not seated well in any way at all. 

The 4th one which was very recent felt it was necessary to teach me about the importance of Marriage. This was after he had mocked me and told me how sad he felt that I couldn’t speak my native language. Sorry o, my great-grandfather brother, I’ll do better on learning Yoruba in my next life. With his teaching, I got to know he is married with kids and how he almost missed his wife on the road because she wasn’t his spec. How does that concern me? Anyways, what pissed me off about the whole marriage talk was the fact that he felt since I was done with school the next step should be marriage. Why do people think like this? Oh, he also said if I wasn’t going to get married, becoming a rev sister should be my next step. Wow, just wow. The audacity!

Anyways, bolt drivers are amazing. I could ride for a whole day with different drivers and hear the tale of their forefathers. 

To the one that drops mad playlist while attacking people for doing what he’s doing(overtaking), I salute you. 

I need to get a car. Starting a GoFundMe soon. Y’all need to donate for me to get a car, I deserve my peace. 

Also, these are the reactions I gave while listening to them talk “mhmm, wow, hahaha, okay, are you serious, mhmm.” I can’t talk please, I don’t have strength.

Extras

Abuja is so pretty at night.

This is the biggest the Guava tree in my backyard has ever produced. And also the fastest I could pluck because the birds are always faster than me. They hustle for this Guava faster than I do.