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By force, by fire!
Hi, I’m currently at a pretty cafe in the center of Abuja, drinking coffee and writing to you guys. Which I almost didn’t do because I was feeling demotivated and slowly falling back into writer’s block. (The devil is a liar.)
I’ve been trying to do the impossible recently—multitasking which has almost left me “creatively crippled.” I can’t multitask, you guys. My mind has to focus on one thing at a time, and if it doesn't, I become overwhelmed and lose interest in everything, which is why writing this week has been so much of a hassle for me. I’m trying to get back on YouTube while also filming consistently for TikTok and handling my business in the real world. It’s too much of everything at once, and I need to calm down.
Everyone keeps saying January was a bit of a trial period for them, and their year officially starts in February. I almost don’t feel the same way because my January was good! I achieved at least 50% of the goals I wrote down for January, and February is looking like it’s going to be good as well. I love 2025 so much.
My birthday is next month, and technically I’m supposed to be writing this a week before then, but who cares, man…
For five years now, and for some weird reason, i’ve suffered from what they call birthday anxiety. I get this overwhelming feeling of my birthday approaching which is then followed by some birthday sadness with a touch of tears. Maybe I feel that way because I think I’m getting old, (I’m not) or because birthdays have always felt like a lonely celebration to me.
I grew up in a bible-believing home/church, one where celebrating things like birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, and the likes were frowned upon. “Those are earthly yearnings, live a life that pleases God so when you get to heaven, you’ll celebrate as much as you want,” they’d say. And I always wondered if that’d ever happen, you know? Like getting to heaven and the angels coming together to sing me a happy birthday song every March 12. I’d imagine them sometimes all dressed in white regal, looking like a bright shining star, standing before me with a cake made of gold in their hand and singing a birthday song like they do in movies. (I don’t know which movie exactly, just go with it)
I always wondered if “birthdays” were a thing in heaven. Do they have a heavenly book where they write the birthdays of everyone sent to earth? Would any of that even matter? Why did my pastor think all these would be done in heaven? Won’t we all be busy singing hymns and playing around in gardens like the bible said? I never got an answer to any of that because I never asked anyone.
We’re already here on Earth, so why do we need to wait to get to heaven before we can have fun? What of those that’ll go to hell? Will the devil and his demons sing them a happy birthday song? Will they get a fireball of cakes, or will they be flogged for adding another year in hell like we did in boarding school? (Why did we ever do that, though? Beating up each other because we added another year. It was so weird.)
While in Junior school, I spent years celebrating a day that wasn’t my birth date because my mum couldn’t find my birth certificate. At first, it was March 18th, then later it was March 16th. It went on like that until we found out it was March 12. I remember the laughter that erupted from both of us then. It’s a memory I’ve held on till this day. I realized how much birthdays weren’t so much of a thing for us. I still loved/wanted it though.
I’d watch my classmates share birthday biscuits and drinks all around and wear birthday gowns so they could take nice pictures with the class. And their whole family would be in school to gift the teachers. It always felt like a public holiday, and I wanted that too.
For a long time, birthday celebrations were a thing of passing at home until we grew much older and decided to make it a tradition to sing happy birthday songs to each other every morning of the said birthdays. Then later, it grew into buying birthday cakes and birthday gifts or sending long birthday messages.
My brother made it a tradition to ask what we wanted for our birthday, a week or a month before the birthday. It became something me and my sister looked forward to. Every year!
But for the last five years, I’ve hated it!
Last year went by, and I made it a point not to celebrate my birthday. I got little to no birthday wishes because apparently, if you don’t tell people when your birthday is, they won’t know. Which isn’t such a bad thing because everyone is busy.
This year, I won’t be doing that. I won’t create a hate boner for my birthday because it’s not a crime to add another age. I won’t be doing too much either. It’s a good thing to grow old. I need to remember that. I can be sad every other day, but not on my birthday. There should always be an exception.
So with that being said, I’ll be opening a go-fund-me because this birthday will not celebrate itself. Y’all will be donating for my happiness. By force, by fire!