suffering from imposter syndrome? couldn't be me!

I think Imposter Syndrome is demonic but hey, that's just me!

Hi loves,

I love that anytime I write, it always feels like I’m talking to my friends. I’m so thankful for y’all! There are days when I beat myself up for not doing more or not being perfect enough. On those days, I read your comments and private messages to remind myself that I’m trying. That I’m doing my best. When I compare the way I write now to last year or even two years ago, I see how much better and more consistent I’ve become. I went from writing once every few months to writing 2-3 times a week. Growth, baby! And yes, thank y’all so much for always reading, liking, and sharing my posts. 🥹🫶🏽

I also love receiving your private messages from my ghost readers, hehe. All the sweet messages go a long way because, girl, I struggle with myself a lot! Over the past few days, I’ve been dealing with what they call imposter syndrome. It got so bad that I had to go read about it. That didn’t help much. So I’m here to write about it.

Feeling a little bit of Deja-Vu like I’ve spoken about this before but anyway, the Oxford Dictionary defines Imposter Syndrome as “the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills.” Yeah, e wan end my life!

The lies imposter syndrome tells me are so convincing, you'd think they were sent by my village people. Every time I accomplish something, there's this voice in my head that goes, “You sure you deserve that?” “Yeah, that’s mid compared to what your mates are achieving” Like, excuse me, can I have one moment to just bask in my win without you trying to discourage me?

It’s wild how imposter syndrome makes one feel like they're the only one faking it. As if everyone else has this secret handbook kept somewhere on how to be effortlessly amazing while you’re just stumbling through, hoping no one notices. The worst part is that it doesn’t even matter how many times people compliment you. Someone could literally print out a certificate and place it on a billboard that says “Tosin, You Are Good At This” and my brain would still go, “Yeah, but like are we sure?”

It’s so bad that I question myself every time someone compliments me. And I do that because I can’t exactly ask them outright if they’re sure they see me that way. If they really think I’m as good as they say, that would be rude, yunno. It’s insane how my friends and family believe in me and my future more than I believe in myself. Had a deep conversation with myself the other night, and no matter how hard you try, you can't imagine the look on my face when I realized I’m my own worst enemy. Like, yooooo! Who needs village people when you have yourself?

Writing, freelancing, content creation… anything that involves me putting myself out there has been one long battle with self-doubt. Compliments? I love them but I also mentally dodge them like bullets. Getting new opportunities comes with panic: what if this is the time they realize I have no idea what I'm doing? It’s like my brain is convinced that at some point, an official-looking person dressed in black suit will show up at my door with a clipboard and say, “Yeah, sorry, there's been a mistake. You actually aren't supposed to be here. You don’t deserve these positions, please move out!” Mind you, I’m in my mother’s house.

I remember when I was little and first realized there were voices in my head saying things to me. I called them the demon and angel—one guiding me to the right path, the other trying to lead me straight to hell. Sometimes, I’d yell at the ‘demon’ in my mind to stop telling me to do things I didn’t want to do. (Like washing plates.) As I got older, I stopped yelling and just started having full-on conversations with them like a mad woman. It wasn’t until I learned about imposter syndrome that I realized the ‘demon’ wasn’t some evil force, it was the devil himself because why you no want make I make am for life?

And then there’s the lies! The absolute LIES imposter syndrome spits out of its mouth:

• “You’re not that talented.”

• “You only got lucky.”

• "Everyone else has it figured out except you."

• “If people really knew you, they’d see you’re just winging it.”

• “That’s your mate achieving all her goals”

• “Nah, it’s not that good”

Lucky? Luck didn’t write all those words, I did! Luck didn’t show up to help me when I was feeling like trash, I did! Luck didn’t put in the hours. I did! We did! (Wait, who’s we?)

It’s a fucking battle. My brain somehow refuses to acknowledge my own effort. All the efforts I put into writing, into creating contents, into anything. All the mental gymnastics my brain goes through just to bring an idea to life. All the convincing I have to do to love that idea because I birthed it. I could have all the proof in the world that I’m capable, but imposter syndrome will still act like I’m not. It convinces me that any moment now, I’ll slip, and the whole illusion will shatter.

I want to learn how to celebrate my small wins. How to pat myself on the back and say “Weldone, you did this!” How to upload content on the internet and sit back down to rewatch and applaud me for doing well, for spending those hours editing, and finally hitting the publish button. I want to learn how to take compliments well and actually believe them when they say, “I’m talented” because I am!

So I’m learning to call its bluff because who are you? *sheds tears uncontrollably* I’m learning to remind myself that perfection is a scam and no one… literally no one, has it all figured out, not even my Queen, Beyonce. Instead of letting it overwhelm me, I just go ahead and hold its ear painfully, letting it know that “I actually worked for this and I deserve it all”. because I do! You literally can’t tell me shit!

At the end of the day, I’m hoping this would be a reminder, that if you’re suffering from imposter syndrome like me… you’re in BIG SOUP!

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Week Recap no one asked for…

• I’m slowly falling into a reading slump, and I blame it entirely on my current read, Perfect Match. This is the second book I’m reading from the author, and because the first one was written so well, my expectations were high. But sigh… what a disappointment! I will never understand why authors are so obsessed with writing their MMCs as giant, hulking figures while their FMCs are practically pocket-sized. That combo will always be weird to me. And if that wasn’t bad enough, she described him as a literal baby that needed pampering, when he’s a grown man in his late 30s. Like, don’t piss me off.

• I’ve also been obsessed with Luther and Kendrick Lamar’s GNX album since the Super Bowl. Listened to it first when it came out last year but the album did something new to me the Superbowl. That album is an absolute masterpiece. And don’t even get me started on SZA, her voice does things to my soul. I’m still mad she didn’t make it to my 2024 Spotify Wrapped with how much I listened to her last year.

• If you’re looking for a romance drama with a second-chance trope and unbearable levels of yearning, watch The First Frost on Netflix. It’s so beautiful. It’s still airing, though!

• Lately, my favorite reads on Substack have been Bolu Babalola’s F*ck Fear

  F*ck Fear

  and Tobe Ugeh’s Is This Self-Love or Am I Just Really Stupid?

  Is this self love or am I just really stupid ?

  I enjoy their newsletters so much, especially Tobe. He’s such a good writer.