To The Boy I Never Loved

I hope life is treating you well

To the boy I never got the chance to love in junior school.

I’ve had different types of crushes in my 28 years of life—or should I say 16 years? It’s not like I came into this world and started having crushes the moment I opened my eyes.

My first crush was when I was 10, and it was on a boy in my class. I had no idea what it was then, but I knew I loved being around him. Maybe it was because he was my seatmate or because he shared his snacks with me. Whatever the reason, I liked him a lot.

Every other crush I’ve had since then has always ended up as just that—a crush. I’d like someone from afar but run away when they tried to get closer. Love and affection scare me... and, honestly, they make me cringe.

It wasn’t until I was 16 that I had the biggest crush of my life. On him. The boy in my class whom I never got the chance to love.

There was nothing special about him, to be honest. He was noisy and spent most of his time playing football rather than attending classes. He’d come to class all sweaty and tired, but he always had this pretty smile on his face.

It was that smile.

That smile had me completely captivated. It drew me to him. Anytime he smiled at me, I couldn’t help but smile back. We weren’t seatmates, but his seat was closer to mine so whenever he walked by, he would give me the brightest smile with a high five before sitting.

He had no idea how much he brightened my day. I’d rush to school every morning just to see his face. He was the reason I could function in a school I hated. He would walk me home after school with two of our close friends and only leave when I got to my street. He would buy me snacks during break period and throw side glances my way, smiling so broadly while chatting with his boys.

It felt so good to have a crush on someone that had the brightest smile in the room and, for once going to school didn’t feel like a chore.

Until his father was transferred to Lagos, and his whole family had to move out of Abuja. I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. The only way I found out I would never see him again was when the teacher announced he had transferred to another school in a different state. That was the last time I heard about him.

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

To the 16-year-old boy I never got the chance to fully love,

I wonder if you know I had the biggest crush on you.

I wonder if you know you made my teenage years a bit fun just by watching and loving you from afar.

I wonder if you know if I were given the chance, I would have loved you beyond anything in the world.

I wonder if you had a crush on me too, or if you were just being nice.

I wonder if you know I didn’t stop thinking about you years after you left.

I wonder if you know you still cross my mind at least three to four times a year.

I wonder what you look like now, and if life has been good to you.

Do you struggle with adulthood the way I do?

Are you still in the country, or are you married now to the love of your life?

Do you know that as the years go by, I think of you less and less, to the point where I can’t even remember your name anymore?

Do you know your smile has never left my memory? I wonder what could have been if we’d gotten closer and fallen in love.

To the boy I never got the chance to love, thank you for your smile. Thank you for letting me have the biggest crush on you.

I hope life is treating you well.