I'm not a morning person, and I hate it

I don’t know when it started but I miss that version of me...

I always thought I was. When I was younger, I’d wake up with the brightest energy in the room, ready to start my day and excited to meet everyone. But I was always met with grumpiness. I never understood why people needed to reboot. It was a brand-new day, a brand-new you, so why weren’t they happy?

I was also an early bird. “Sleep early, wake up early” was my mantra growing up. Maybe that’s why I loved mornings, I always slept well.

Until I got older, and something changed.

I don’t know what changed exactly, but something did. Maybe it was the late nights, sometimes I’d sleep by 1 am, sometimes 2 am, other times 4 am. My sleeping habits got so bad that I was sure they were the reason I started hating mornings.

At first, I’d still wake up at 6 am or 7 am, no matter how late I slept. My body had been conditioned to rise early. But eventually, my mornings began at 10 am, sometimes 11. And whenever I woke up, I’d feel grumpy, heavy-hearted, like I had altered the perfect rhythm/plan I once had.

I used to think I wasn’t the type of person who followed a planner. I found it boring. Why plan everything before doing it? But I later realized I was, in fact, a planner, just not the kind who wrote things down. I planned my days obsessively in my mind, and whenever I strayed from those plans, I’d spend the entire day beating myself up. For not being diligent. For not being disciplined enough.

I planned my life in a meticulous, almost obsessive way. I had friends who got tired of me because of that. If you wanted us to hang out when I made no plans of leaving the house that day, nothing could convince me to change my mind. A bit tiring tbh…so I get their anger.

Looking back, I don’t think I plan my life. Because if you asked me what my definite plan for the future is, I wouldn’t have an answer. I don’t take life too seriously. But my days? Those, I plan without a second thought. Mentally too.

And maybe that’s why I began to hate mornings. They weren’t going as perfectly as I had wanted them. I had disrupted my carefully structured routine. Waking up late made me feel like I wasn’t taking my life seriously.

Sometimes, I like to think of the kind of morning routine I’d love to have. Me in a different home, or country. Waking up early, hitting the gym or the yoga class, finishing before 8 am, then heading home for a shower and a light breakfast, not the eba kind of breakfast. Watering my plants, then stepping out to a café for coffee and writing.

It’s how I’ve always imagined mornings to be.

But most nights, in my current life, I’d make a plan to go to the gym the next morning. Which meant I had to sleep early. But by 11 pm, I’d find myself scrolling through TikTok or caught up reading some online war on Twitter. Any effort to put my phone down would be gone.

“What’s so wrong with sleeping at midnight?” I’d tell myself.

But then 2 am would come, and I’d still be awake, hopping from one app to another, unable to sleep because when sleep came by 10 pm, I’d pushed it aside, telling it to wait one more hour until it eventually slipped away.

The next morning, no gym. No breakfast. Just me, mad at myself for not sticking to the plan. I’d spend the whole day beating myself up, promising to do better that night. Promises I knew I wouldn’t keep.

I don’t know when it started, but I hate that I’m not a morning person anymore, because I was once one. And I loved how it felt.

I want to go back to being one.

Not just for the structure/plan, but for the feeling, the quiet stillness of early mornings, watching the sun rise, the feeling I get of starting another brand new day as me, knowing it’s a chance to correct the wrongs of yesterday and create a new happiness for today, the way the world feels new and untouched, like the night has ended and here comes the morning.

I miss that version of me.

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Sharing these tracks—or rather, artists—I’ve been hooked on lately.

I’ve been falling in love with R&B lately, specifically SZA. I don’t know what’s changed, but I’m loving it. Her music makes me feel calm and wrapped in warmth. It’s hard to explain.

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